Healthy Healthy Healthy

Hmmm.

Well I'm proud of myself. I've managed to complete the first week and start into the second on my diet/healthy eating/exercise plan. I don't think I've ever lasted this long. It' s not as hard now that I actually understand everything.

6:45 am: Get up and go run/walk. Depends on what I feel like.
7:30 am: Get back home and take a shower before breakfast which consists of rice (Its brain food), eggs, and bacon.
9:00 am: dreaded school.
12:00 pm: I eat my apple. :)
4:00 pm: I eat another snack. Something more dinner like but small portions with lots of carbs.
6:00 pm: exercise;; usually 30 minutes of intense aerobic or weights. Somedays I go for both.
6:45ish pm: Small can of tuna. Protein. It's good.
8:00 pm: Small dinner
10:30: yoga
11:00 pm: bed

It's working really nicely actually. I feel 2038402384012842345456 times better now. I don't ever want to go back to how it was before.

Target weight: 130lb [[to get into the Air Force]]
Weight to lose: 30lb
BMI target: 25%

We'll see. I have a year and a half to make this. I believe I can do it. If I just stick with it. :)

Heaven on Earth.

On a lighter and much happier note, my long time best friend/ heartthrob/ part time sweetheart/soul mate officially asked me out after two years of waiting. The response from all my friends: FINALLY.

I know they got sick of me talking about him two years ago. But it's not my fault. He's just so... *smiles dreamily* He's as close to perfect as it gets.

I've never had a more romantic moment in my entire life. I'm going to keep it that way. All mine. My secret. Mine alone. And his too of course. But wow.

I've never had something that I thought about constantly for any serious length of time and then had in come true. After two years of dreaming pretty much nonstop... Having that dream turn into a reality after all that time. Well. There's not enough room in my heart to hold all the emotions I've been overwhelmed with in the last two days.

Happiness, bliss, fascination, joy, vivacity, need, compassion, infatuation, longing, attachment, benevolence, prosperity, tenderness, laughter, desire, fondness, lightheartedness, ecstasy, affection, delight, enchantment, weakness, gladness, need, gratification, yearning, enjoyment, hunger, friendship, and above all else:

love

I new I'd be happy, but this... I wasn't expecting this. This is greater than happiness.

This is Heaven on earth.

Blah.

Well. Long story short:

His ex called his parents and let them in on the fact that he was talking to me. He got into trouble for it and so finally i just told him that we are different people now. Maybe this wasn't suppose to work out. And that was it. I haven't felt this good in year. It's just like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It's great. I can breathe again.

Bleeding and a nice long bath

So I've avoided writing long enough. I figured it's time to get back to reality.

Thursday night was amazing. I would have cherished each moment more carefully had I known that it would be the last time I would see him.

Friday his parents found out he was talking to me. And once again I am forbidden to see him. Am I being punished? Possibly. But I've found ways to deal. I need strength to keep me going. And I know how to get it. I wouldn't call it a relapse exactly. Just revisiting past memories. No one even understands though. I don't cut to die. I cut to prove to myself that I can push though life, through pain, and through whatever God throws at me. It gives me strength. It's what I need.

Bleeding and a nice long bath.

How Life Could've Been

Well it's Thursday.

That means tomorrow is Friday. I talked to my dad this morning about "spending the night at Izzy's" tomorrow night and he actually okayed it. Wow. He did ask questions. What time? Does he need to drop me off? How long will we be there? What will we do at Izzy's?

Don't get me wrong. I feel horrible lying to him, but I'm dying to see this guy. Plus I've been so good the past 2 years. I've barely even lied. And it was nothing big, even then. I know many people are probably scolding me right now, but honestly. Never let anything get in the way of true love. We let Love do it's part. It didn't fail. Even after two years. Now it's our turn to prove to Love that we are willing to sacrifice anything.

I love knowing that people are reading this and saying "How ignorant is she?!" I know many people who would say that. There's no telling how many times I've actually heard that saying before. It's not easy being 14 and telling people that your boyfriend of 3 months has asked you to marry him. Trust me. It's not something that is easy to trust people with. There's no telling how many people laughed in my face. That hurt me more than anything. Actually. That's a lie. What hurt more than anything was going back to school after that summer and trying to sound strong and laugh off the fact that my parents had not only forbidden us to see each other, but they had also sent him to jail. People laughed for days, which only made my determination for this to work out in the end even stronger. Just think about what all those people would say if we got married. I want people to believe completely with all their heart that age doesn't matter. Love can happen at any age. Even ours.

Arghh. PreCalculus problems. What joy. I'm planning on working until 6ish. Then daddy is taking me to Starbucks to meet one of my friends for "tutoring". False. I'm actually meeting Chris and we're going to go hang out and do stuff for a few hours. I hope things go well. No doubt they will.

I'm planning on breaking the news to daddy while Chris is away in Fort Jackson. It will be better that way. There will be the two month period then and he'll have time to think it over. Like I've said before, I'll be 17 by then and if I haven't already, by that time, decided to move out and he throws a fit about it, well that will be my determining factor. I know it's probably going to break his heart, but he needs to understand that I am growing up. He needs to learn how to deal with that.

Ever since I was young I had to take care of my mom. Her drinking and drug abuse problems kind of forced me to grow up. It wasn't easy. Though sometimes people think I'm still young, I'm more mature than a lot of people think. I'm ready to grow up and be out on my own, making my own decisions. And many would say that if I'm so mature then I wouldn't be lying to my dad and sneaking around. My response is that I've made many mistakes. I use to do this when I first met this boy. Sneak out and spend the whole night with him. And it made me so happy. It's been 2 years since then and I don't regret it then. Actually quite the opposite.

I look back on it and smile. It makes me happy knowing I was that in love. So this time, just like the last, I'm not letting anything stop me. If this turns out to be a mistake then so be it. I will learn from it. But at this point i know that if I don't do this now, if I don't follow my heart, I'll come to regret it later. I'd rather do things now and regret them later, then not do them and later wonder how life could've been different if I did.

Who would've guessed?

Oh joy.

So he didn't tell his mom yet. At least not that I know of which, trust me, is a good thing. The only reason I'm drawing that conclusion is because he's actually still talking to me. His mom hasn't taken his phone... yet. Of course considering he's about to turn 19 I doubt she could have that kinda control if he really decided that her taking his phone is not the best of ideas. Hmmm. 19 and about to leave for the war in Iraq. Hopefully Obama will deem it necessary to pull out of the war saving both me and his family grief. I think that maybe the only thing me and his family will ever agree on, considering his family loathes me.

School is utterly boring. I'm contemplating this Friday and whether or not my plan to sneak out all night Friday is going to work. So its not technically sneaking out considering the fact that I'm using Izzy as my excuse.

"Daddy? Since me and Izzy didn't get to hang out on Tuesday do you think I can go to the mall on Friday afternoon, hang out with her there, and then go back to her house to spend the night?"

He'll buy the excuse which means I'll meet my Lover at the mall Friday afternoon. We can hang out at the mall all afternoon. Then we will have all night to talk and catch up. Not to mention get in slight amounts of trouble. More than likely we will chill at Wal-Mart until 3 in the morning and then go to Waffle House. Oh the joy. Of course, judging by his neediness, I'm willing to bet that he has other plans.


I will say that my goal is to marry the the only man, well boy at the time, that I've ever made love to. I'll venture out to say that I was only 14, just barely 14, but I was in love. That fact cannot be denied. I loved him, and now that he's come back into my life, I feel as though, maybe, just maybe, there was a reason for it. Could it simply have happened by chance or was it, perhaps, fate?

I will not deny the fact that there have been others in the past two years who have graced my mind and my body, but the circumstances at the time just were not right. It never happened. Not because there was not a chance, but either because, in the first case, it just was not right for me, in the second, it wasn't right for him, and in the latest, we were simply comfortable being together. Nothing else was needed or required. I've only ever found that contentment with him, with my best friend.

I also will not deny that sudden need to marry this boy, not even out of love, but because of the fact that I have given him a part of me that I will never get back. That in itself seems enough reason to marry him. He makes me laugh. He is well company. I could not ask for true love. That seems to be asking too much in this world right now. He would keep me happy and no doubt he would love me. Probably too much, but, from past experiences, it would be more obsession. Love may not be the right word. I know he would lust for me. He would desire me. But that true, respectful, adoration that can withstand anything? That love? That is something I'm not entirely certain we would obtain. Even still, however, I would not mind. He would comfort me when I needed and leave me alone when I needed that as well. He would spend many long hours admiring the fact that I am his. And that would be enough to please me.

I know this doesn't seem normal for those other teenagers falling to their knees, begging for their one true love. I use to be one of them, but now it seems as though there are more important things in life than just love.

Who would've guessed?

Back up. Rewind.

Oh wow.

Just days earlier he said:

"My mom said if I EVER saw you again that she would kill me and you."

Oh dear.

Not good.

Wow.

WHAT IS HE THINKING?!

Then again I can somewhat see his point. He is not use to having to keep things from his mom and I guess that should be considered a good thing. Right? Only now I'm sure that once she knows, considering he actually does love me like he so desperately claims, his happiness will be ruined and he will be forbidden to see me. The only thing bad about this part is the fact that he can be torn away from me. This time he doesn't have something that he feels the need to cling to. I will lose him. Again.

I'm probably crazy for even being all upset over losing the guy who actually blew me off today. Hmmm. So that's why I never got that call, but of course I must spare him. I know he needed time to think and I did make it clear that from here on out he will follow through with things when he says he will and he will not ignore me like he proceeded to all day, hence the reason he was not responding to my txts. He openly admitted that too and I was more than just a little ticked.

I made it painfully obvious that I would NOT be treated that way again and if he intended on being with me then things WOULD be different. His response?

"Yes Ma'am."

He was no doubt mocking me but I'll let it slide. I bet he was probably humiliated, but he needs to learn, and learn fast, that I'm not the girl I use to be. And more importantly, I'm in desperate need of a real relationship. One where I WILL be treated with respect and more importantly that I will be loved as close to unconditionally as possible at my age?

Could I be asking too much? Probably. But I only get one shot at 16. Might as well hope for the best and wish for even better. Everything happens for a reason.

But I do love him. And I cannot deny the fact that even after just days of letting him back into my life, I am absolutely terrified of losing him. He can't know this though. I can't let him have that power over me this early into our relationship. This sounds more like war, but someone once told me that love is war. It made sense at the time.

"Love is like war; very easy to begin but very very hard to stop. And all is fair in both."

Umm. Pardon?!

He wants to tell his mother.

:/

Sitting and Waiting

Tuesday Morning. Well it was morning. It's almost 2 now and I regret to inform that my plans for today have probably been canceled considering the object of my prolonged obsession has not yet txt me back. I can't help, but wonder why. I assume it could possibly have something to do with the simple argument that happened last night and his broken promise to call me back. It wasn't even much of an argument. Simply a realization on my part, but I guess he didn't take too kindly to it.

It's been a year and a half since we've been together. I told him this. Then I continued by saying that I thought, perhaps, now that we're back together, I might regain that perfect picture I held onto for that year we were together. The one of marriage straight out of high school, a simple honeymoon, and the freedom I've longed for for as long as I can remember. That was my perfect picture. The wedding was set for July 13 2008. It would've been our 4 year anniversary, had we stayed together that long, and had the Capulet's and Montague's, namely our parents, not torn us apart. Who knows what would've happened.

I told his it had been almost 2 years since we had had a real relationship and that, no matter how badly I wanted that perfect picture back, it wasn't right of me to just expect it back. His dreams and expectations might have changed since then. He might not want those things anymore. In fact, I'm almost positive that he doesn't considering his decision to enlist. He has more important responsibilities now. He can't focus all his attention on me anymore and I'm okay with that. After I had finished explaining that I didn't expect that perfect picture from anymore, because both of our desires and expectations of life, and what we want from life had changed he simply said he needed to go think and that he would call me back later. He hung up without saying he loved me; not that I need him to say it because I know its true. It's the one thing I've always believed, but hearing the phone click did kind of hurt. Probably because, after longing to hear it for over a year, that need, that place in my soul is eager to be filled.

I did expect him to call back, but finally I fell asleep waiting. To be honest I'm kind of frightened.

Rewind two years and fit last night's situation and conversation into any one of the given nights where we were talking quietly behind our parents backs' and I would know exactly his need for going. He would've been upset that I could so easily shrug off our plans for the rest of our lives. He would be hurt that I could give up so easily. He would be rethinking whether or not this, us being together, would be the right decision. But its awkwardly shattered into two parts that don't fit together. Thats what he would've been thinking then and I'm worried that he hasn't changed as much as I thought. Maybe thats the same reason for him excusing himself last night, but here's the difference;; here's how they don't fit together. Back then, he never would've left because I was all he had in his life. Now, now is different. Our meeting has only happened recently. It would be easy enough to forget on his part, I'm sure of it. The same exact cause, two years apart, with two completely different effects.

What am I to do?

Sitting and waiting appears to be my only option.

Tonight will be nice

Tonight will be a long night.

No school tomorrow so I guess that's a plus, but I'm still going to have to get in bed early considering I'm tempting fate by hanging out with that certain object of my affections; the one that could actually land me in jail so easily. I wish I knew exactly how long that restraining order lasted. Surely no more than a year and a half. Wow. It's really been that long? Crazy. Time really does fly.

I did occur to me that I look kinda stupid saying I'm keeping this a secret, while at the same time, signing my name as Gail Sanders. I've already been through this and I'm unhappily able to report that Gail is not actually my real name. It's simply an alias I was planning on using when running away with my current "lover". Only that was almost 2 years ago.

The only frustrating part about having a life as crazy and hectic as mine is that fact that you want everyone to be able to see what's happened, but theres just so much to tell that it's annoying having to go back and go through it all again. I just wish I could make a movie about it. That way I could just press play on the movie and two hours later they could've relived life just like I have. Maybe then they might be able to understand. Just maybe. If I'm lucky. Surely it would be a hit on Lifetime.

I can see it now. Some story where a young girl grows up, her mom is a drunk and her dad doesn't care. She's a cutter and bulimic and she is desperate to get away from her family. Then when she's 12 her parents ship her off to a mental institution and not long after that she falls in love with a guy who, in a years time, will be helplessly in love with her and will do anything to be with her, even if that means threatening to kill her parents when they forbid the two young lovers to see each other. This of course will land him in jail for a short time. They wont see each other or talk for two years and finally when the girl manages to get her life together, her mom has an affair and abandons the family and just when she's about to fall apart, she learns that her long lost love is entering the army. So, in a last ditch effort to make things right, she contacts him, going against the restraining order, and her parents forbidden warning to never see him again, and she does the unthinkable. She falls in love with him again. And to connect the reoccurring motif of tragedy, it all happens just before he is to leave for the war in Iraq.

Oh yes. So totally Lifetime.

That's my life; summed up at least. It spans from about the age of 6 up until this whole refalling in love thing, which actually occurred about two days ago. Oh, the never ending drama. What joy.

:)

And so it Begins

There's nothing wrong with this, says she as she gets up, cursing her dad for never adding a lock to the door, but shutting it as tightly as possible none the less.

I'm simply revealing the deepest darkest secrets of my life to many many unknown people, hoping that none of them could possibly know me personally enough to connect past memories, along with those in the making, to my name, which I choose, wisely I might add, not to reveal. At least not at this time considering the fact that I'm not only ashamed of many of my past memories, but also that my current lack of self control could land me in jail, but we will get to that later.

I have to admit, though I thought of doing this many times, I never actually committed to it, so honestly I'm completely knew at this. It seems to be quiet easy enough, however, I can't help, but feel somewhat guilty that I'm putting off yet another huge AP US history test that is looming before me; tomorrow to be exact, so I'll continue writing between making flashcards, listening to the radio which includes singing along occasionally, and txting the object of my affections who is actually the one who could land me in jail. It's a long story. Trust me.

Flashcard # 41: The 3 Abolitionist Parties and when they came about.

It seems quite pointless to me, but I guess I'm the one who signed up for the class, so I can't really complain. It's not that hard, just a lot of memorizing, which I might add, is not my best skill, but somehow I'm managing to pass the class with a semi shocking 94, which is actually my second lowest grade, the first being Chemistry of course with a 90, my only B. Ehh; can't complain I guess, but it does get on my nerves listening to Ray [my much much older, 38ish year old half brother] tell me I should be making all A's. Well he can shove it, because my 4.7 GPA is certainly enough for me. I'm not bragging. Just proud. I've never worked this hard in my entire life and I think I have a right to be proud. Besides, Clemson doesn't accept slackers, not that I'm dead set on Clemson, but it certainly has become one of my finer options, USC and Charleston Southern being right behind them. I guess it's easy enough to guess that I live in South Carolina. It's kinda hard to keep that one hidden.

Flashcard # 42: What is the Gag Rule?

*sighs* I suppose that could be suggestive out of context. Hmmm.

I speculate, after rereading what I've written so far, that this could much be perceived as more of a story rather than my actual life. I always did say that my life on paper would sound more like some imaginably fictional slaughter and mutilated rewrite of Romeo and Juliet with bits and pieces of other tragicomedies, concentrating mainly on the tragedy part. But hey, it's my life. Might as well let others enjoy it, if that's at all possible.

Flashcard # 43: What did Henry "Box" Brown do?

Heck if I know. Apparently he was a slave who escaped to the North from Virgina by having a friend ship him to Philadelphia... in a box. He was shipped straight to the office of an Anti Slavery Organization. He spent 26 loverly hours in that box. How... comfy?? And this is going to help me in the future how? Oh well. It made me laugh, meanly I might add, for just a moment.

Yoga sounds nice tonight, assuming I can squeeze it in between my studying and my newly acquired taste for the fervidly erotic Julia Quinn novels. I'm obsessed. They're amazingly addictive.

I'm still contemplating how in depth I could or should actually go with this. I have a sudden vehement desire to spill all my secrets, hopes, dreams, and fears in a desperate attempt to better understand myself, but could that possibly be healthy?

Flashcard # 44: Who was the president of the underground railroad?

I suppose it couldn't exactly hurt. At least not that I'm aware of. The past 16 years, yes I'm only the cursed age of 16 years young, have proven not only challenging, but also painfully real. "No mistakes; Just lessons learned." Those lessons, however, have caused me to fall several times, many of those times I possessed certain understanding that I might never get up again, but, somehow, I'm still standing now. I'm here. I'm alive. And I'm better than ever in my own stubborn opinion, and I have many who will back me up. I guess this is the beginning of my story. It's one of current tragedy, but don't worry. I'm not giving up until I get my happy ending.